Thursday, August 23, 2012

Red flags (it's a fine line)

These qualities indicate that you should be careful because this person is probably a scrub. or a bad person or someone you're not going to get along with very well. When not existing in great quantities they can however be overlooked and also overruled by positive things like getting jokes or being good looking. There is a very fine line between red flags and deal breakers and they are all relative to the context of the situation and whether or not the guy has a dog.

using too many emoticons and or abbreviations (emoji is somewhat excluded from this though)

not having a top sheet

talking badly about other girls (they will inevitably speak the same way about you)

bad skin (if it's bad on the face it's probably bad other places too...)

balding (that shit's not going to get any better)

using the word 'boobies' at any point

not liking animals

not liking cats (liking cats too much can also be problematic)

liking everything/everyone i.e. being unrealistically positive and thus making me feel like a horrible negative person which actually i don't think i am - i'm just realistic

bad shoes

bad jeans

not having a phone

talking about doing things that they never actually do (actually this should probably be a deal breaker) - you know those people who are always 'going overseas in six months' always

people who make you feel shit for not knowing as much about some random shit thing they happen to know heaps about

people whose ex(es) looks like you

people who look like your ex(es)


not understanding sarcasm

Tuesday, August 14, 2012

deal breakers cont.

other deal breakers also include:

not liking seinfeld

liking the simpsons better than seinfeld

not buying ones own underwear/socks (this also is connected with not doing own washing but if you're getting to that point in your decisions you're really scraping the bottom of the barrel with that guy because he's probably already broken about 50 deals)

being a vegan (vegetarian is also not good but can be wavered depending on how militant the person is about it)

wearing novelty tshirts

not liking children (as much as i say i don't like children, men who don't like children are usually not the best)

asking to split the bill on the first date (it's ok to agree to it but you should always offer to pay first, at least on the first date when you're trying to convince the other person that you're a decent person)

Sunday, August 12, 2012


Mary has 103 variant forms: 
Mair, Maire, Mal, Malia, Mallie, Mame, Mamie, Manette, Manon,Manya, Mara, Marabel, Marabelle, Mare, Maree, Marella, Marelle, Maren, Maretta, Marette, Maria, Mariam, Marian, Mariana, Mariann, Marianna, Marianne, Marice, Maridel, Marie, Mariel,Mariela, Mariella, Marielle, Marietta, Mariette, Marilee, Marilin, Marilla, Marilyn, Marin, Marion,Mariquilla, Mariquita, Mariska, Marita, Maritsa, Maritza, Marja, Marjan, Marje, Marla, Marlo,Marya, Maryann, Maryanne, Marybel, Marybell, Marybeth, Maryjo, Marylee, Marylin, Marylou,Marylu, Marysa, Maryse, Marysia, Masha, Maura, Maure, Maureen, Maurene, Maurine, Maurise,Maurita, Maurizia, Mavra, May, Mayme, Maymie, Mayra, Mayria, Meridel, Meriel, Mimi, Minette,Minnie, Minny, Miriam, Mitzi, Moira, Moire, Moll, Mollie, Molly, Morag, Moya, Muire, Murial,Muriel, Murielle, Poll and Polly.

Five Seven Five

Reading Naked Lunch
At an open air party
Don’t be a cliché

Moved to Berlin and
Dyed my hair carnation pink
I am a cliché

Every boy I like
Who is the most beautiful
Definitely gay

Buy a club mate
Only wear vintage clothing
Never learn German

I love club mate
I only wear vintage clothes
I don’t speak German

I need a boyfriend
With a motor bike and dog
Friend is ok too

Even if you’re cool
Yellow and black together
Look like a street sign

All of the people
Find dogs indoors normal
I don’t understand

If you love glitter
You have probably taken

I will judge you by
How much information is
On your facebook page

Really want a cat
But they live too long, would be

Life changing advice:
Always the second cheapest
Available option

Boys who have Tumblrs
Are usually a little
Bit maladjusted

If you are ugly
And you want to look better
You should grow a beard

Parents worked out Skype
Because they’re really stingy
Still can’t use email


Deal breakers include
Abbreviations in texts
Bad skin and bad shoes

Beer is the best drink
Not because it tastes so good
But because it’s cheap

If you have a dog
I will overlook at least
One whole deal breaker

Sorry for being
Negative, actually I’m
Just being honest

Best way to get over
Still not having a girlfriend
Is getting a bike

Most happy people
Are in my own opinion

I like the canal
The swans are kind of scary
But I still feed them

It makes me happy
When people look like their pets
Especially dogs

Bike riding is good
Most of the time except for
Uphill, then I walk

Wednesday, August 8, 2012

I like Paul Simon
You can not judge me on that
But I can judge you

Thursday, August 2, 2012

deal breakers

If you don't have one or more of the following you are probably, almost definitely an unreliable person and therefore undatable:

a driver's licence
If i can get a driver's license, me being the probably worst person as far as coordination and directions are concerned (almost failing the test because I kept turning left instead of right when the instructor told me where to turn) then so can you! and you can probably do it in a quater as many driving lessons as it took me and therefore a quater as much money and you probably won't fail the test either.
It is OK not to have a car, but a license means you can get anywhere yourself if you have to.

a room that's not at your parent's house
obvious one. it's awkward having to meet people parents and while it's great that they have a wide screen tv and that your mum cooks jar pasta for you every night and there's lots of parent's things like biscuts and icecream and fruit always in the cupboards that you'll never find in a share house (or never for longer than a day or two) it's not worth it! move out into a shitty share house get a TV from cash converters, put it at the end of your bed, make some jar pasta (or get take away even better) and bring your girlfriend over and watch seinfeld with her. nothing beats this, nothing.

a job (uni doesn't count as a job)
If you're not at uni and you don't have a job then it's obvious why you should have a job. bums are not attractive people and they're also the biggest scabs. uni students without jobs are also big scabs and seem to think they can claim some sort of moral high ground for it - but you cant! do you know how many people who study and actually have jobs? do you realise that half of uni is actually holidays, literally?? there is time to work. it is easy to work, someone will hire you if you make the effort to apply and people who say they tried once because they emailed their resume to one company once and give up, that's bull shit make a bit of effort - it's actually not very hard. again - if i can get a job (like with the driving licence) as the clumsiest bad at multitasking person i know also with the worst memory at a fine dining restaurant adn get a $150 tip on my first shift then so can anyone who wants to! Stop being a stinge and get a job and make some money so you can come out and buy your own beers instead of people having to bribe you simply because you know they will.

a phone plan (fuck having to call people all the time because they never have credit)
yeah. that one is bullshit. don't make me waste my money because you're a stinge. get a job get a phone plan get a life grow up.
also having a smart phone that has the internet (usually coming as part of a plan) is the best because you can answer your own questions using that instead of me having to use my phone to answer them. also please if you're not going to have an iphone i won't judge you but dont get one of those 'like-the-i-phone-but-not-the-iphone-phones' they're bullshit stop being alternative join the crowd the reason everyone has it isn't because it's cool it's because it's extremely useful. give up get on the band wagon of LOGIC

a double bed
you would be surprised how many people actually don't tick this box. and then it's oh well we bet to stay at yours because i don't have a doble bed orr it's 'i have to stay at mine tonight but i need to sleep well and i can't sleep properly when you're in the bed because there's no room and it's too hot so let's just stay at our own houses' you know ikea sells doble matresses for 50euros and frames for 40. i will judge you less for having a matress on the floor than having a single bed with a frame. and i don't care if it's a king single its still a single.

a credit, or at least a debit card
if you don't have this then your'e the annoying person who always asks the other person if they can borrow their credit card every time they want to buy anything on the internet. that is annoying. then the other person has to ask you to pay them back when you've forgotten adn talking about money between friends and or lovers is just not ideal - on that note MEN you should always ofter to pay, and pay WOMEN you should also always offer to pay but also let the man pay sometimes because it makes him feel manly. men who split the bill on the first date are deal breakers. men who pay without you even knowing about it automatically score an extra free 3 dates by default because it is the most charming thing anyone can do. it is sexier to pay on credit card than in cash.

a lap top or some form of computer
basically you need not to need to use my stuff. it is inevitable as soon as you use my things i will find a reason that i want to use them while you're using them and be annoyed with you for using them. maybe this is a symptom of my being an only child and this is just a personal problem but either way it is a total deal breaker. also please don't be one of those people who hates the internet - you know the only reason you hate it is because you know that you would love it too much if you tried it and be even more addicted than any more of your friends that you give credit to. get the internet and get some self control.

All of these things enable you to be an independent person who doesn't have to rely on or bother other people and they also enable you to help other people instead of them having to help you. If this is not the case your boyfriend is just a big fat leech who is using you to pursue his life of 'not growing up' which as endearing as it sounds is actually just clinging on to laziness and immaturity.